The size of my girlfriends stomach (she hates it when i call it a 'stomach'!) has grown scary big. Its like she's carrying two baby elephants and a squirrel inside there. i am not sure which month she is in right now, i am terrible at math and my school teacher was a chang'aa addict. She is so big i'm thinking one day she might go to the loo and then come out yelling, "Honey i think i pooped the baby and flushed it down the toilet! D'yu mind calling the Plumber?? The umbilical cord is stuck!!"
For the past week she has been bugging me about how much she wants to know the gender of the baby. She wants a boy, i want a girl. The only thing that has stopped her from going and checking the baby's gender is her fear of being alone with a doctor. Not all doctors apparently but its just those doctors who know the female body more than the females themselves. Those doctors who will try to venture below some females' waist in the name of 'medical check-up' even when she has an ear infection. This gender debate has generated a lot of heat in the house. I insist i do not want to know the gender, i would rather we do it traditional, u know, wait for the big day and see. After all, we've already done the scan to confirm the the baby doesn't have two buttocks and three left feet. She thinks that if she buys baby girl clothes and then she gets a boy, then the boy might grow to be gay. The other day she came home with two shopping bags full of baby boy clothes, i asked why she thought it was a boy and she said she "felt" it was a boy because it kicked worse than Niklas Bentner missing Arsenal goals.


Trying to argue with a pregnant woman is worse than studying Chinese or Russian. You argue, she cries, If you don't, she still cries and insists that you don't love her anymore. If you play nice and you are always smiling, she will accuse u of cheating on her because shes fat and when she lies down on her back, her tummy looks like Mt. Kenya's 'Batian' peak. If you think women are difficult try pregnant ones!!

Its a sunday, hooray, i will sleep till the pillow permanently sticks to my face. i turn in bed as i pull the covers to 'retain the heat' and i briefly open my eyes and close them, then, i open them again, What!, right there next to me is a face i do not recognise. Hooly jeez mother of ...i have never cheated on my girlfriend but i think i fell asleep and got abducted by this person with a really fat face. I told myself godammit, if i had to cheat why cheat with a 'fat one'! As the mist was clearing from my eyes, the face almost started taking shape, this face, i know this face, if its an alien then i know this alien. Then i saw the 'stokin', you know, that thing that women put on their head that looks looks as though it went through world war II, survived the holocaust and swam its way through the Pacific, that, i saw that thing on the 'aliens head and immediately discovered that the 'alien' is my girlfriend. I almost jumped out of bed in horror! Those people, those people up there who we are not allowed to speak of cloned my girlfriend and replaced her with "this"!!

My girlfriend face looked like it had borrowed extra 'meat' from the neighbours, it was all puffed and swollen, her nose looked as though it wanted to take a walk outside the face, her usually sexy lips looked as though they belonged to two fish. When she opened her eyes and smiled the curve from her mouth looked like the great north rift. Her face was shiny and oily as though she had just ran the Boston marathon and then that 'stokin' thing dangling from her head made her look like something that guy from 'SAW 3' might wonna explore .......

....to be continued

A study done ( i don't know where.) proved that men think about getting some action every 4 seconds. That my friend is a lot of times. So now am walking into the office whistling to a song i just heard playing in a TukTuk, reason for my excitement, am trying to prove that theory up there right.
I sit at my desk and daydream of how much action am going to be getting now that my girlfriend is pregnant. see, now there wont be issues of 'that time of the month', no pills, no scary thoughts of what-if, its going to be pure Tyre-to-the-tarmac action. Yeah, i tell myself, I'm gonn hit that thing till it shifts.

Well, lets just say my excitement and my day dream ends there. I cannot remember the last time i got some action since that 'honey, I'm pregnant' day, damn its been months. i remember the last time i pleaded with her to gimme some i had to entice her by taking her to dinner and when we got home i went to the loo to pee only to come to the bedroom and find her snoring, with one shoe on and the other one hanging by the curtain drapes (am guessing it ended up there as she kicked them off her feet). Remember that excuse women have when you are ready for action "I have a headache darling' ? well my girlfriend had two headaches, one at the back of her head and the other on her forehead, all day everyday. I got all kind of excuses. She told me she was scared i was going to ' poke' the baby. "Woman, that thing don't even have a face yet, crap". she even went 'biological' on me by telling that now her uterus was a little lower and so she was afraid i would hit it and shift it. "Shift it to where, your buttocks?". sometimes we would go to bed and she would put on more clothes insisting she was feeling cold. "since when do pregnant women feel cold".
So i sat on my desk, with the smile on my face completely wiped out, i sadly count the no. of months i haven't got any, "1, 2, 3,4,.....Holy mother!!"

Am only a simple minded person, like they say, peach is not a color its a fruit and then again am color blind, i cant tell blue from green despite all the grass around us. Suddenly my girlfriend doesn't like some colors, she gives me the "The baby doesn't like that color!" story, i don't mind colors, i could wear black green blue yellow mauve(whatever that is.) and walk through town without a care.
My house is no longer my house, i cannot have 'whatever' i want because she says some 'smells' irritate her. Woman i want some eggs for breakfast because that's probably the only meal am going to have the entire day and the best answer you dare come up with is, you don't like the smell of cooking fat and that if you eat eggs you will get fat now that you are pregnant? This girl used to eat eggs twice a day and now all of a sudden she is trying to maintain her weight. My car freshener has been trashed,"The baby doesn't like car smelling like that". I have to eat boiled food because she doesn't like cooking fat smell. she now takes twice as long to prepare herself in the morning, if i drive past 60km/hr she screams at me saying am trying to kill her and the baby. If i walk too fast she pulls me back and tells me that if i make her walk any faster she is going to give birth right there in the middle of Moi Avenue, "woman you are not even 3 months pregnant yet!", i shout to myself. And the crying, jeez, she cries about anything, if her skirt cant go past the thighs, she starts to cry, if i come home and i don't bring her roasted maize, she cries. If she goes to the kitchen and sees a cockroach, she hits it mercilessly with tears in her eyes.


If this is what they call mood swings and drama that could rival Mexican soaps then i don't want to come home early....i have to scroll my phonebook before i get off work and see who's going to buy a me a beer...!!!

I have a beautiful girlfriend, damn she stopped in my tracks the first time i saw her. i mean it when i say she stopped me in my tracks because i was in an inter-companies competition and as i ran the 1000meters race (is there something like that) i saw her among the cheering fans and immediately stopped. i knew i had to act fast, so i feigned dizziness and collapsed right next to her feet. but this is a story for another day my friends. well, the other runners won, suffice it to say i was the last one and had been overlapped twice.
I am trying to console myself about my beautiful girlfriend because i on the other hand, i still have no idea why she choose me and decided to be with me. I never have my head shaved completely, this is because i have a head that looks as though it belongs to two aliens. It has bumps and corners that would be hard for an F1 driver to navigate. My face looks as though it was deep-fried, dipped into hot brake fluid,baked with cement then put in a freezer to cool down. I have legs that have minds of their own, no wonder am missing two toe nails on my right foot and my left foot smaller toe has a half a nail. Whenever am making out with my girlfriend, she insists on being fully clothed, she says she likes that way, but i know its because my hands are so rough they leave 'tire marks' on her body. I do not have a mirror for obvious reasons. When i was young, my mother used to say my eyes were so big and cute they could see tomorrow and i would smile back and think she must be the most amazing woman in the world, now i know, its not funny anymore. If as a way of birth people would come from heaven to earth, i would have been stopped by Earth's airport security and denied entry the moment i showed up.

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So boy or girl, whoever you are inside that tummy of your mother, you better come out looking like your mother!!

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I am a guy, a real guy, i stand a few feet short of head butting my kitchen ceiling, i have a pot belly that looks like the behind of a Toyota Vitz, so i shouldn't have to endure this at 5Am in the morning.
This woman right here or my girlfriend, so to say, just freakishly wakes up from the bed knocking everything on her way as she rushes to the bathroom. She comes back from the bathroom and she is 'surprised' to find me snoring away to some beautiful sleep. She yanks the blankets away from me and stands next to the bed hands akimbo. "how can u sleep like that when I'm sick?!" she exclaims. You are not sick, you are pregnant and you look like you just got ran over by two trains. I almost yell back. Any man will tell you, women do not look good in the morning, minus all that make-up and what you are left with is.........! i digress. My girlfriend's hair is all over her face and some sticking into her mouth, the sexy nightdress no longer looks sexy and then she comes close to me wanting me to hold and cuddle because, "Me don't feel so good Papi!".


So here i am holding her and pretending to be the lovely guy 'she fell in love with' while she snores. seriously woman, you wake me up at the crack of dawn to torture me, what is this, are you trying to punish me for getting you pregnant? And am i going to have to endure this for the next nine months or however long pregnancy goes on?i think all this to myself as the morning chill hits my bare chest taking away with it all the sleep i had. Then my girlfriend turns as she makes herself more comfortable and she has the audacity to ask "Honey are you OK?"

Sitting in the office staring at a blank Windows screen on my computer, thoughts were firing all over my brain like fireworks. I had just endured a tongue lashing from my pre-menopausal boss lady for coming to work late and all i could do was just stare. These women! After she was done shouting all over the office as if trying to make an example of me to the other staff, i walked to my desk and switched on my computer. And there i was, just staring at it.
So i started talking to my computer,
Miss computer, (of course my computer is a woman, this i know because of the way sometimes it decides to throw unwarranted tantrums or decides to crash), so i go on, Miss Computer, do you think a man like me can be a father,huh, look at me, i can barely wear matching socks and now am supposed to be in charge of someone Else's life. i wake up every morning and having no idea what to wear picks the nearest piece of clothing and come to work looking like i just got rejected by the circus. i don't know how to even cook tea, i have trouble washing my own underwear how the hell am i supposed to even change or know when to change a babies diapers. I shower only because i go to work otherwise all weekends are bathroom-free days and when am on leave you could smell me coming two blocks away. Please tell me Miss computer, how?

"What on earth are you doing you incompetent son of a ..........??", the voice of my boss lady jolted me from my dream world.

To all the men out there feel free to post comments and tell it like it was.....

Well, getting some news at 6.Am in the morning and on a day that i am late for work made the sweet taste of the breakfast i had just taken evaporate. She said she was pregnant, i panicked and chocked on a tea donuts, the look on her face prompted to switch from a choke into a forced loud excited laughter.

I still have no idea how the words "That's great! that's fantastic,wow" came out of my mouth during that mayhem as i reached towards her for a quick hug. After exchanging a few hugs and kisses and congratulations and all that, we sat down as i tried to look at her with puppy dog eyes and a fixed plastic smile. Sitting down was my undoing.My girlfriend started talking or is it narrating, and narrate and talk she did. She talked of when she thought she might have got pregnant, where we did it, she started convincing me of how amazing it was when we did it. I thought to myself, all this times we've been intimate and she has the nerves to say that that one time was the only time she felt good, is she crazy, how can she say something like that. its illegal to tell a man that he performs like an Olympic champion, that is, once in every four years. All this was going through my mind as she yapped away of how excited she was and how amazing it would be. In all that she spoke my mind only registered the word 'Baby' and 'Mother'.

She never even took a breath as she yapped and yapped, how do women accomplish speaking non-stop, i secretly looked at my watch and realize that i was doomed. I told myself,'woman if you make me get fired or get a warning for being late you going to take care of that baby all by yourself and I'm going to relocate to Alaska or some place in Sudan where you'll never find me.


So tell me Gentlemen, where were you and how was it when the dreaded three-letter word was spoken...???

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If only i had secret cameras all over the world to catch the initial reactions of men once they hear these words. Initially it is not funny, its scary as hell. And these women, women have terrible timing, they decide to unleash when you least expect it. Women like it when you guard is down and then they hit you with the news.
I woke up one morning, almost late for work. My girlfriend was already awake, i didn't know where she was. As i was still shaking cobwebs off my eyes, in she comes. "Morning darling. did u sleep well?". She handed me the towel as i rushed towards the bathroom as she smiled coyly. i didn't think much of it, two minutes later i was out and into the bedroom. There laid out on the bed was my suit, a nicely ironed shirt, matching tie even socks. Hmmm, this is new.
I went to the dining room, breakfast was already laid out on the table, some fried eggs, buttered bed. I looked up n there was my girlfriend still smiling, then she pulled a chair for me and invited me to sit. i must have died, went to that 'place of Sweet Waters' and God offered me one of his best Angels to cater to me. i sat down slowly and calmly, she poured me some tea and then sat next to me and watched me eat as she slowly sipped her coffee. All this time neither her nor me has said a word, she was just smiling!.

If she has put poison in my tea i swear by my mother I'll wake up from my grave and haunt her from here to north pole, i thought to myself. As i munched away the last pieces of my well served breakfast, i looked at her, forced a smile and said, "Thank you dear, breakfast was amazing!". She smiled back put her hand on my shoulder and said"............."!!
I choked!!!!!

Ask a man about a car and he will decipher it like a physicist, ask the same man about a baby and you'll get a stare that could win a Pulitzer prize award.